I Believe, Help My Unbelief

Unbelief is one of those topics that we Christians tend to steer clear of like a sewer manhole without a cover. Wouldn’t admitting to bouts and struggles with unbelief be tantamount to divorcing ourselves from our very identity?  We call ourselves “believers” for crying out loud!  Not at all.  In fact, we even see in scripture (Mark 9:24) the story of a man who said “I believe, help my unbelief”.  We sometimes chuckle at his mid-sentence realization that what he was saying didn’t match up with what he was actually experiencing.  But I think if we look closer we find almost a formula for how to deal with doubts.  He stated that he did believe, but recognized there were still pockets of doubt lurking in his heart and mind and instead of only saying “I believe” to look good in front of Jesus, he was honest with where he was and immediately blurted out the confession, “help my unbelief”. 

And this, my friends, is what I think Jesus was after all along (and still is).  He’s after a relationship with us and he has already paid dearly to make that possible.  But as anyone with even cursory social skills knows, every true healthy relationship is built on honesty.  We fall into our enemy’s trap when we think that something we have thought or done needs to be hidden from God. Newsflash: He already knows.  Hiding from God when we’ve screwed up is literally one of the oldest tricks in The Book and the Enemy’s purpose of it is to create relational distance between us and the one who created us. 

Interestingly, I don’t think that the answer to unbelief is to avoid every topic we run into that causes confusion or doubt, tossing them back into the corner of our minds until they become an overwhelming avalanche of questions we’ve convinced ourselves that God can’t answer before we’ve ever even asked Him directly.  While the word is clear that we should not waste our time on a lot of pointless debates (2 Tim 2:23) with other people, I do believe that we are supposed to bring those doubts to God; Immediately, if not sooner. (as my 5^th grade teacher used to say).

There was a time in my college years that I secretly began to doubt if God was real or not.   Given that my entire identity, family, and friends were all rooted in the belief in Christ, this was a very real crisis for me.  In some of those really hard moments, I would pray like this, “God if you are real,…”.  I now look back on this time as me banging my fists against God’s chest while He held me in his arms.  While I hope that you are not that far down into the pit of despair, one thing I can tell you from experience.  He can handle it.  He is still God.  His feelings won’t be hurt when you tell him where you’re really at, He, in fact already knows and is waiting for you to bring it to him rather than trying to fix it yourself by drumming up religious feelings and listening to more Christian music.

So I guess my point is, whether you are doubting that He promised you what you think he did, that He really meant what he said in the Bible about (insert countercultural verse here), whether or not Christ is really God, or if you even finding yourself questioning if there is a God at all, TAKE IT TO GOD, regardless of what you believe at this second, He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  He’s not insecure.  He can take it.

-Renee Moreland

Sea of Galilee, Israel Trip 2016

Maze Rat Calls a Time Out

Caution: Read this with a heaping helping of extra grace.  I'm just starting to practice the whole writing for public consumption thing and I'm sure my writing still leaves much to be desired.  Carry on.

So… what would possess a career driven, able-bodied, 33 year old single woman to take a 4 month unpaid sabbatical?*  This had to be rolling around in the heads of my friends and family when I announced my decision to press pause on my career for a few months. 

Its no secret that I was extremely burned out.  For those of you who travel for work, I’ll say it in our language, I was Premier 1K with United by September 1^st this year.  And have been 1K and Platinum the two years before that.  And that is all with strictly domestic travel. 

The problem has never been that I hated my job, in fact, I was so passionate about the product I represent and how great it is for patients that I would do anything, anytime, anywhere to support its proper use and advancement.  And not to mention, it made me feel important.  (Its not like its brain surgery or anything, oh wait, yeah it is.)  And with a dwindling handful of experts from the original startup, my ego was stroked regularly as I was identified as being indispensable.  That’s the goal right? Being indespensible.  Or is it? 

Earlier this year, while I was starting to develop chaffing from all the pats on the back I was getting, I had a moment where I was so spent that as I was driving down the road, I had this thought that “I just need this to stop, I just need to make this stop”.  If that’s not a sign of burnout, I don’t know what is.  I felt like I was on a cross between a hamster wheel and a rat maze.  Regardless, this particular rodent felt nothing like Mighty Mouse and I was completely out of control of my situation.  This was very much a “Jesus Take The Wheel” type moment. 

As much as I love and get an incredible amount of fulfillment from my job, it doesn’t take an expert to figure out that virtually every other area of my life had taken a hit for my work.  I was only able to shoehorn in enough time to maintain relationship with about two of my non-work friends and lets not even talk about the heights from which my physical fitness and nutrition had fallen.  (Timehop, you are an accuser of the bretheren and I rebuke you and your pictures of me at Crossfit competitions in 2012). 

As far as service goes, the most I could manage during this time is about 8 hours a month split between two of my favorite ministries and even those I forgot about several times or begged off because I was exhausted from a flight that morning. 

But that’s probably enough in the “Rationale/Complaining/#DearLordDoesSheEverShutUp section.

On the flip side of all this exhaustion, I have so many other things I want to do with my life, so many other passions.  I LOVE writing (oh, you guessed that one did you? Gold Star.), being in community with other people (Christianese for “I like to have people all up in my life and business), the challenge that comes from pushing yourself to high levels of physical fitness, leisurely drinking my coffee in the morning, oh and Paleo cooking.  I LOVE to eat, I mean cook! (stay tuned for paleo recipes and food pics) :)

So that’s it.  After much prayer and some pretty clear confirmation, I decided to use some of the money I’d saved to take 4 months off instead of putting it towards buying more things that I would not have time to enjoy anyway.  I decided to reverse the normal transaction and exchange some money to get my time back.  I’ll report back periodically to discuss the challenges, successes and tips I stumble upon, but one week in, I think it’s the best purchase I’ve ever made in my life.

-Renee

“Look I am about to do something new; even now it is coming.  Do you not see it?  Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43: 19

*my employer has requested I refer to it as “personal leave”

Post-workout breakfast this AM, delicious Central Market peppered uncured nitrite free bacon, eggs fried in fat of aforementioned bacon, and sweet potato mash w/salt, pepper, garlic powder, and green onions.  Oh, and that delectable Taste of San Antonio coffee from the HEB with almond milk and honey.